You feel like you can't be truthful with us....yet when I'm truthful with you, you use that information to go out and do something you surely knew I would be against, because you don't trust my judgement.
If we don't have trust, what do we even have? Matching outfits?
What is done between me and Requiem is one thing... It will take time to heal, but hers is a friendship I value.
But between me and LiliS, and between me and you most of all, is something that I hope I can begin to mend by being honest about my actions, and the feelings behind them. If I talk about this... I want to do it properly, and point out—to myself especially—where I went wrong.
[ she closes her eyes again; pushes a hand back through her hair, and then straightens in her seat ]
The actions you championed in the cards game were designed to promote and preserve peace between units—between ourselves and ZRAEL in particular, in fact. Regardless of any misunderstandings, and the fact that I disregarded your judgment, I put what you worked for at risk.
The lack of trust is especially hurtful, but... Aside from that... Even if it was something you were doing for your sake primarily, you still bring up it was partly for my sake. And more bloodshed is the furthest thing from anything I would ever want. So...It winds up feeling more like you were using me as an excuse than actually being concerned for me as a member of Lilis.
That may not be how it was, but that's how it feels.
.....Camellia... I really was worried that LiliS would keep being hurt because of me. But I know how important it is to all of you to be peaceful. To you most of all. I'm so sorry to have taken that from you.
But... Is that truly how you see me? As someone who is looking for an excuse to hurt others?
[ softly ] It was not specifically for you, you know. As much as I truly would do anything to protect you, and...as much as your feelings matter to me now.
Your being hurt is what brought about my sorrow and anger, but... even if you would never do the same, I hope you can at least understand why I did what I did—and how, to me, the duel seemed a thing to prevent hurt, rather than cause it.
I am not of the opinion you did it to specifically avenge my death. You simply said yourself that it was to keep Lilis from being hurt because of you. So it was in part, done for LiliS. I am a part of LiliS. And it was the furthest thing from what I would have wanted, as a member of Lilis. That is all I meant.
I have been very consistent in saying I understand we are simply very different people with very different approaches to things.
You thought dueling with Requiem counted as dueling Zrael and that it would end a feud between teams. And I believe Requiem has no more control over God's actions, nor is able to speak for Zrael as a whole any more than I could control you; so to me dueling her is just dueling her, not Zrael.
It was not an action I took because I am stupid, Camellia. I know no one person has that kind of perfect command over their unit.
Rather, these are the traditions I was raised with. And, with or without this conversation, I still would not attempt a duel like that ever again, because it became so obvious that it's not the same for the rest of you.
I'm not here because I need to know whether or not I made a mistake. I'm here because I care about you, and because someone whose advice I trust reminded me that the best way to show that care is to let you know that this happened. And that I am sorry.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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.....I'm so sorry, Camellia.
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If we don't have trust, what do we even have? Matching outfits?
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When I make a mistake, I believe it is my duty to correct it.
That is what I was trying to do then.
It is also what I'm trying to do now.
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It will take time to heal, but hers is a friendship I value.
But between me and LiliS, and between me and you most of all, is something that I hope I can begin to mend by being honest about my actions, and the feelings behind them.
If I talk about this... I want to do it properly, and point out—to myself especially—where I went wrong.
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The actions you championed in the cards game were designed to promote and preserve peace between units—between ourselves and ZRAEL in particular, in fact.
Regardless of any misunderstandings, and the fact that I disregarded your judgment, I put what you worked for at risk.
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That may not be how it was, but that's how it feels.
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.....Camellia... I really was worried that LiliS would keep being hurt because of me. But I know how important it is to all of you to be peaceful. To you most of all. I'm so sorry to have taken that from you.
But... Is that truly how you see me? As someone who is looking for an excuse to hurt others?
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To say it was for me and then also do exactly the opposite of what I would want.
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Your being hurt is what brought about my sorrow and anger, but... even if you would never do the same, I hope you can at least understand why I did what I did—and how, to me, the duel seemed a thing to prevent hurt, rather than cause it.
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I have been very consistent in saying I understand we are simply very different people with very different approaches to things.
You thought dueling with Requiem counted as dueling Zrael and that it would end a feud between teams. And I believe Requiem has no more control over God's actions, nor is able to speak for Zrael as a whole any more than I could control you; so to me dueling her is just dueling her, not Zrael.
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It was not an action I took because I am stupid, Camellia. I know no one person has that kind of perfect command over their unit.
Rather, these are the traditions I was raised with. And, with or without this conversation, I still would not attempt a duel like that ever again, because it became so obvious that it's not the same for the rest of you.
I'm not here because I need to know whether or not I made a mistake. I'm here because I care about you, and because someone whose advice I trust reminded me that the best way to show that care is to let you know that this happened. And that I am sorry.